addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
