Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
