The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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