OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
