Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
