I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
