I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
