all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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