can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
