I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
