why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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