she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
