I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
