Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
