I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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