I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
