I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
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He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
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Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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