I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
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It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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