Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
