i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
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Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
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He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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