Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
