If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.