Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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