i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Your cock deserves a montage
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.