It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
my phone needs a breathalizer
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
