Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club š
You know itās going to be a rough day when you scream āGet fuckedā at your alarm clock
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