Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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