Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
