I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
