Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
