okay pat passed out under dana's car
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
