Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
