so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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