not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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