I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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