It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
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