capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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