I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
