I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
