Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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