How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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