he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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