What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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