Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
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We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
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I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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