i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
