toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
