Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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