Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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