she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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