we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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