My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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