If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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