You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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