Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
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I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
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We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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