nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
