your parents love me but you hate me
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
