Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
